On New Year’s Eve, I watched a lot of old music videos. They really brought back some memories– admittedly, I had some strong emotional reactions. I tend to bottle up my feelings a lot, so that may be part of the issue.
I wrote earlier about how MTV, and music videos in general, changed the way we experienced media as young men and women. I still believe that.
Sometimes, though– I wonder if maybe there are some things that really never change about life.
Watching the goofy Cyndi Lauper sing about girls wanting to have fun reminded me that I don’t really have fun the way I did when I was a kid. Between my teenage years and 46– there’s a lot of distance. The decade spent alone seems particularly to have made my childhood feel like it was a very long time ago.
Cyndi Lauper also reminded me that there are lots of healthy people who still like to have fun, and I really should be ok with that. Sometimes, partly because of my age and partly because of my schizophrenia, I tend to ignore people when they are being silly. I wonder if life is maybe too short to be that way.
I watched the Fine Young Cannibals sing, “She Drives Me Crazy”. I don’t think that they meant that to be taken literally. Of course, the lyrics refer to the good and bad vibes a man gets from a woman, and how that can affect him. Still, I did wonder if there was some truth to it all, that, indeed, life’s way of throwing people the unexpected, and trying to make sense of things that essentially could never be explained, might indeed– well, drive someone crazy.
I finished with Joy Division’s, “Love Will Tear Us Apart”. It’s a very simple truth, that strong feelings sometimes break through the walls we put around ourselves, no matter how hard we try to prevent this. Maybe these moments are the times that we really transcend the “jetzeit“– when messianic time happens, and we encounter the truth.
Of that, what can be said, other than– how could we ever really handle such feelings, yet how could they have been beneath the surface all along?
As a whole, my short dj-soliloquy experience was unexpectedly moving. As a schizophrenic, it helps me to remember that healthy people don’t only think in healthy ways– they feel real, healthy feelings, too.